Steve Perry sings live again -- and, as expected, it stirs up angst in the Journey/SP fan world

As a long-time fan who respects all eras of the band -- for me it's about the music -- it was gratifying to see former front man Steve Perry at the mic actually singing at length in public. It happened last night at an Eels concert in St. Paul, MN. He sang the band's song "It's a Motherf*cker", then went into a stepped-down version of Open Arms and Lovin', Touchin', Squeezing. It was wonderful to see him comfortable at the mic, and more important for the occasion --seeing an audience appreciating him.



That golden voice was completely pummeled by an insane touring schedule back in the day that would roast anyone's vocal cords. Fans that followed his vocal progression over the years can mark that around 1983 or so, his voice changed radically, the rasp that most fans of the Perry-Schon-Cain era know and love emerged. While it has character, that represented damage to his cords. He had an unreal, bell-clear countertenor back in the Infinity-Departure-Evolution era. That's not what we heard by the time he recorded Trial By Fire in 1996. His range was reduced, the rasp more pronounced, but he was still able to produced tracks that had emotional depth, soul, and amazing lyrical interpretation.

What I do hope this wonderful, heartfelt live performance will do is cease the ridiculous "reunite with Journey" mantra by some delusional fans that want him to hit the road again with the band. Steve Perry cannot sustain the trauma on those cords over a tour, nor would he satisfy the casual fans who want to hear the 80s hits as he performed them then. Just can the fantasy, folks.

I also hope this stops the incessant criticism that his voice is "gone" -- no, it isn't, it's what about I expected to hear. The grand thing is that he did it - getting over the fear of performing live, being judged unfairly about the "dirt" in his voice, the reduced range, etc. by people expecting SP pipes from 1978.

It didn't take long for comments on social media to get into all of that mess.

I am thankful that he is stepping out so he can see how most of us are content to hear him as is -- his vocal styling is completely intact - and shower him with the gratitude he deserves (and has feared wasn't out there). I feel sorry that for some he has to compete with the heights of his gift from decades ago.

***

And yes, I'm going to a Journey concert on Thursday in Raleigh -- with frontman Arnel Pineda singing those Perry-era hits and beyond (after all, he's now recorded two albums of original material with the band!). He's not in any competition with Steve Perry, nor should he be placed in that awful position by fans, nor should his fans find Steve Perry's recent appearance as some sort of threat to Arnel's existence with the band. I find these internecine wars juvenile, hurtful and unnecessary. Why can't folks enjoy the music, and come back to the real world.

I would be perfectly happy to see Steve Perry do a couple of "Evenings With" concerts, filmed with an audience (bucket list item - to be there!) in Storytellers style. He doesn't even have to sing any Journey tunes. He's apparently got plenty of original material written and in demo form. It would be fantastic for him to do some R&B, blues stuff - the one genre he excels at that the current iteration of Journey unfortunately steers clear of in favor of the Dirty Dozen + a couple of deeper cuts.

***

UPDATE: additional thoughts that I shared in abbreviated form on Facebook after more surfing around to see more reactions.

I've been in -- and lurked in -- a variety of fan forums and comments sections of news articles about the band over the years. It's way too easy to get sucked into the vortex of insanity -- 1) "no SP/no Journey/bring him back to the group;" 2) SP's voice is shot; 3) AP is better than SP; 4) JRNY= SA/JSS/AP = Karaoke. Or other subset groups that will never meet the other half way, and worse, take it out on fellow fans on a personal level.

Musical tastes are a highly personal area, so I get the passion surrounding it, but I think some folks find it hard to engage without taking different opinions personally.

Coming from a political blogging (and moderating) background, I've developed a thick skin from that sparring (try fending off death threats, social condemnation, and threats to your day job; that will harden you fast), so it still surprises me how quickly that conversations about my favorite band get hot and seemingly personal, when the temperature doesn't seem hot enough to warrant it. But they can and do at times.

I'm not sure why these camps can spiral out of control, but moderating discussions where there are a range of firmly-held opinions, no matter the topic, is a challenge. Every word choice gets amplified, the _perceived_ power differential between commenters and the moderator is always an issue in trying to keep everyone feeling welcome.

For instance, the terms of service on PHB was several pages long, and we had pretty firm moderation that required a good deal of time by my admin contributors, but it was all in the name of 1) keeping conversations civil, and 2) making it possible to have an environment where it felt safe to navigate politically sensitive topics with one another.

Related:
* A Journey fan's dream deep cuts setlist -- that means no DSB, peeps
* Steve Perry back on stage, enjoying himself (but what a tease!)

The glory of a spa pedicure in advance of the weekend RA med grind

Post-pedi tootsies are happy!

Today was a real treat for the terrible neuropathy in my feet and from the knees down -- a spa pedicure. It came with lots of glorious leg/foot massage and a hot paraffin wrap on my feet!

I nearly fell asleep in the spa massage chair. I'm that burned out and it felt that good.

Of course "feeling" is qualified when it comes to my feet and legs. I cannot tell hot or cold because of the nerve damage at this point, so the hot paraffin wasn't hot to me at all. Kate said it was really hot. I can feel the massage, but it's hard to explain what sensation feels like with nerve damage of this type. It can be both hypersensitive and numb, but overall the pressure feels good, particularly in the muscles. The joints, not so much, but the overall feeling is one of relief.

Kate and I have had nothing but fabulous experiences at Lee Spa Nails in southern Durham (http://www.leespanailsdurham.com/).

Owner Monica Khov (in the pic with me below) and her staff take great care of us. We've been going here for several years, intermittently, and she recently expanded, adding more chairs, a full bar, and a man cave (quite a lot of guys come in to care of their feet there - how can you go wrong with a relaxing pedi). On our last trip for a pedi we had mimosas!

With Monica Khov, owner of Lee Spa Nails.

Of course this afternoon I have to take my weekly RA meds that make me sick over the weekend, so it's nice to feel good for part of the day! Have to stay positive. :)

***

New therapy (sort of)

This week I am trying out methotrexate (MTX) by injection, rather than oral pills, in order to reduce the increasing joint pain in my hands/wrists/shoulders/elbows. My rheumatologist said the injectible is more potent at the same dose, but may bypass the bad gastrointestinal side effects. The potential downside is that the other side effects -- chills, fever, fatigue very down mood swings -- may be amplified. So Kate and I will be mindful to see how I'm doing over the weekend. By Monday these side effects largely pass, but it's rough going dealing with the MTX plus the side effects of Orencia.

My own ableism and thoughts about assistive technologies and productivity

The reality of the need to rely on voice recognition software is setting in. My hands and wrists are going south fast from rheumatoid arthritis. I had a flare-up last week that caused me so much pain that by the end of the day I was literally crying at my desk. It was difficult to drive home because gripping the steering wheel was nearly impossible. I had to sleep in wrist and thumb wraps...when I could sleep at all.

Since I have a job that relies on using a computer and the vast majority of my essential job functions rely on keyboarding (and mousing) and computer multi-tasking, it's a necessity that is forcing me to evaluate just how reliant I am on my physical capabilities to accomplish essential job functions.

It's a good thing in many ways to be humbled by the challenges of losing the abilities that you take for granted in many ways, to embark on more than an intellectual exercise in this area to understand the world from a yet another point of view. So as I think these things out in this digital space, dear readers, I apologize in advance for inadvertent stepping on toes as I confront my own ableist biases "aloud."

Tip-toeing into Voice Recognition Software

Fortunately Chrome and the Android OS allow for easy implementation of it w/o the OS-resource sucking Dragon Naturally Speaking. Configuring my tablet/PC/phone took just a few setting changes. Aside from some web apps, most basic functions are accommodated.

Saying that it saves you from any keyboarding is ludicrous, unless numerous typos and lack of advanced formatting are acceptable in a business context. Correcting is tiresome and tedious.

That speed trade off is huge. It is no surprise that it unfortunately doesn't match up to being able to physically touch type 80 wpm on the fly. Dragon has better accuracy than built-in voice rec, but it has a steep teaching/learning curve. I'm just trying out the built-in functionality and I'm beginning to see the huge productivity hit that will result in real-world circumstances (for me).

Expectations

The more I fiddle with basic voice rec, the more I wonder how those who have limited ability to manually type (or lose it altogether) can use a computer without compromising a lot of former speed and accuracy.

[Of course, if you never had that physical capability to begin with, there isn't that that personal frame of reference to contend with, but there is the comparison to performance expectations in the abled world.]

Efforts that I depended on manual dexterity and speed for - such as moving between apps and windows, copying and pasting, text formatting, etc. are so far a no-go w/o Dragon. Of course my brain is quite biased by personal history. It has been well-trained over the years to execute such tasks effortlessly from thought to my hands to the keyboard to the computer. Now that this "communication chain" is broken, learning to do the same tasks using different tools is daunting.

It would good to see if there are studies/tests to evaluate one's voice rec performance to multi-task, multi-app keyboarding and navigation, not just the metric of straight dictation.

For instance, doing Facebook or Twitter updates using native voice recognition software (OS and Chrome; not Dragon) on my tablet or desktop is impossible to do without some keystroking or manual intervention. Most of my devices do best with straight dictation only. My Samsung phone is best at the latter.

I guess that my main focus now is figuring out how to think about voice recognition software and its place as an assistive technology. Is its primary purpose to simply make certain functions possible? Beyond the possible, what is the expectation regarding performance itself - is the assistive technology's purpose to help that person achieve the same performance levels that exist in the able-biased world as well?

The latter seems like a lofty goal, but being able to accomplish a function is not the same as accomplishing that same function at the same rate of speed as you did before. A logical question then is how expectation of rate of speed of performance falls into the category of essential functions of a job.

The ADA

There are plenty of practical considerations of course; take a read through the voluminous Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA ) site and the Job Accommodation Network (the Dept of Labor site). They are not really bedtime reading, but interesting resources to peruse if you have the time. You realize what a herculean accomplishment it was to pass such a landmark law (1990) given the amount of ableism that existed then and continues to exist today. For instance:

"Under the ADA, when an individual with a disability is qualified to perform the essential functions of a job except for functions that cannot be performed because of related limitations and existing job barriers, an employer must try to find a reasonable accommodation that would enable this person to perform these functions. The reasonable accommodation should reduce or eliminate unnecessary barriers between the individual's abilities and the requirements for performing the essential job functions."

There's a lot packed in the above that has been life-changing for those working with disabilities. The ADA has ensured that they can bring their considerable personal and professional skills to bear to contribute to the economy by giving them access to opportunity.

The wrinkle of course is unless the reasonable ADA accommodation causes an "undue hardship." What constitutes "undue hardship" for an employer in this matter? It has to be:

"Excessively costly, extensive, substantial, or disruptive, or that would fundamentally alter the nature or operation of the business."

Yeah, it's complicated and there's a lot of ink dedicated to unpacking that statement. Just do the bedtime reading, if you are so inclined...

Some history -- the ADA would not have passed without the advocacy of Senator Bob Dole (R-Kansas), whose presence on the Hill among colleagues made a crucial difference.

Senator Dole was a fitting advocate for people with disabilities. In an interview with ABILITY Magazine, Senator Dole described the effect of his war injury: 

"Experiencing a disability yourself, you could almost walk around with a blindfold and pick out the other people with disabilities…. Having a disability changes your whole life, not just your attitude." 

...On July 16, 1990, more than 3,000 people attended the signing ceremony on the White House lawn. As he signed the bill, President George H. W. Bush said: 

"Every man, woman and child with a disability can now pass through once-closed doors into a bright new era of equality, independence and freedom… We will not tolerate discrimination in America." (Read President Bush’s Full Remarks at ADA Signing) 

Bob Dole added: "This historic civil rights legislation seeks to end the unjustified segregation and exclusion of persons with disabilities from the mainstream of American life… the ADA is fair and balanced legislation that carefully blends the rights of people with disabilities… with the legitimate needs of the American business community."

***

BTW, this post took forever using voice rec. In the end I typed about half of it, and corrected a boatload of the input. And the formatting had to be done via keyboard. With that said, it could be done over time and at my own pace. That's certainly not the same as the pressure of composing something on a deadline for work.

Related:
* Life changes -- RA drives me onto the professional off-ramp

A Journey fan's dream deep cuts setlist -- that means no DSB, peeps

What kind of setlist would I like to see Journey play before the group stops touring? The band has a large catalog of hits, but there are a lot of lesser-known gems that you may not know about, and if you do, know them, in the last few years you didn't hear them in concert.

Journey, 2011, the Today Show / Pam Spaulding

The last several tours have been triple bills (2014 will feature Tower of Power and the Steve Miller Band opening for the J-Boys), and that means little more than the Greatest Hits (or "Dirty Dozen") will be played for the mass of casual fans that show up. This leaves a chance for one, maybe two lesser-known nuggets to make the setlist. I will not shed a tear if I don't hear the beloved Don't Stop Believing again. A few more from the band's rich catalog would be greatly appreciated!

This post is about a hope and dream that Journey will think about doing maybe 5 dates, in strategic locations in the U.S., that die-hard fans will be willing to travel to -- smaller, more intimate venues (I fantasize about them coming to the Durham Performing Arts Center; and how about going to The Apollo in NYC for the hell of it!?), where they can do a 2.5-3 hour single bill show. If it's just 5 dates, there's no dread about the endless, tiring road dates. They will have time to think about fresh arrangements/concepts for the concerts, and they will be well-rested and enthusiastic about traveling down memory lane to revisit songs that rarely or never saw play on the road, plus personal faves, etc.

Or, rather, MY personal faves. Since this essay is about a dream set list of deeper cuts from albums that I happen to love, I get to set the terms! There's plenty here to argue over, of course (such as leaving the pre-Perry albums off of my consideration list). I welcome comments, and it would be great to see others make their own fantasy setlists; it's all good.

Journey fans are opinionated die hards and there are definite differences as to which period in the band's history is "the best." The fact is that this band is much more than its "classic" period that most casual fans know about and love. (And for the haters? Why are you reading this? Move along.)

What isn't in question, as you sample some of the video clips, is that the band excels in the live environment. They come alive in concert when released from the constraints of the studio.

A couple of caveats about this fantasy --

1) It has to be grounded in reality. Steve Perry is not going to reunite with the band. Period. Done. If he ever turns up in a concert, it will be solo, one-night-only kind of deal, and it will be on his own terms. Or he'll remain happily retired and we'll possibly, one day hear new recorded music from him. Having lunch with The Voice is on my bucket list (I'd probably pass out if I ever did get to meet him), but there's no way a concert appearance going to happen in the context of a reunion tour -- I accept that; and

2) It is has to be plausible that a couple of the former lead vocalists could be convinced to show up at this handful of dates. I'm thinking Robert Fleischman (who's that, you might ask -- well, he wrote and performed in the band before Steve Perry, and is still going strong with his band The Sky these days), Gregg Rolie (the original Journey vocalist, now on the road with Ringo Starr's All Starr Band in 2014), and perhaps even Steve Augeri would say yes to an invitation to sing a couple of numbers from their chapters in the Journey catalog. While I'd love to see short-term frontman Jeff Scott Soto on board to handle a few of the hits that call for the considerable R&B swagger that he possesses I'm not sure things were left off in a place with the band (long story, for another day) where he'd say yes, given I set the "plausible" standard here. Oy.

So where to begin? I won't bother attempting a sequencing of the setlist. First I need to pick some cuts. My picks for the setlist will have 2 asterisks, runners-up, 1 asterisk.

Let's be counterintuitive and start from the most recent album and go backwards in the DeLorean ...

Eclipse (2011).

I saw the kickoff concert for this 2011 release, and they played 5 cuts from this CD, so I was quite fortunate. However, there are fantastic, very Journey-esque tunes on this guitar-heavy work that were never played in concert. Here are the ones I definitely want to hear live (two stars):

Current Journey frontman Arnel Pineda./ Pam Spaulding

City of Hope *
Edge of the Moment *
Chain of Love *
Tantra
Anything is Possible **
Resonate *
She's a Mystery *
Human Feel *
Ritual
To Whom It May Concern *
Someone **

For crying out loud, there was not a sane reason to leave Anything Is Possible off a 2011 set list. It was actually released and charted as a single! I heard it 3 times when I was randomly out in public, once in a grocery store, once in a Subway. I forgot the third venue. I also heard it on the radio a few times. But it was never played in concert by the band. Huh? It's pure, classic, Journey. Uplifting message, positive, it showcases Arnel's warm, rich tenor, great harmonies, and Neal's guitar just sings during the solo and outro.



Someone -- come on, boys, this is another sure-fire single that never was. It's has a great zingy, pop confection of a synth opening by Jon Cain, paired with ample classic piano keying. I would consider kicking the concert off with this one! Arnel's energy is infectious; so much fun energy!



Runner-up Human Feel was one of the songs played at the Las Vegas February 23, 2011 concert. It has a unique, fascinating syncopation, courtesy of skins master Deen Castronovo, and great pulsing bass on the part of Ross Valory. It threw a lot of concertgoers off beat as they tried to dance to it. It was hilarious. Interesting lyrics about the disconnect in this "digital ocean" of information make this one a winner live. I'd enjoy hearing this one again just to watch Deen go wild on the kit.

Deen Castronovo / Pam Spaulding

On to Revelation (2008):

Never Walk Away
Like a Sunshower **
Change for the Better **
Wildest Dream
Faith in the Heartland *
After All These Years
Where Did I Lose Your Love **
What I Needed
What It Takes to Win
Turn Down the World Tonight

Almost all of these got an airing in concert as it was Arnel Pineda's debut smash with Journey. The release also featured a CD with re-records of classic Journey hits. But what holds my interest are the original recordings -- Cain and Schon definitely wooed fans with a classic sound on this CD.

Like A Sunshower didn't see the light of day in concert, and it's a pity, so that's why it makes my cut here. Beautiful, slow ballad in an unusual time signature (Pandora says twelve-eight time signature; it's the same as the classic "Lights") and sonically pleasing chord progression that takes advantage of the J-Boys harmonizing. Win.



Change for the Better is a driving rocker, with a 80 synth + crunchy rhythm guitar style. My ears tend to tire of over-reliance on synthesizers that Jonathan Cain used to create the signature sound of the band in the 80s. Some songs simply don't age well (more on that later), or head directly into Cheez-Wiz land for me. However, this one perfectly matches up to the material and Arnel and Deen's energy. Neal's standard wailing solo fits as well. It's upbeat and has there's a nice pulsing bridge.

Also played in concert during this period is one of my favorites, Where Did I Lose Your Love, that clearly (to me) is a echo/tribute to Motown, written in a minor key, and it benefits from strong piano work by Jon, and great singing guitar work by Neal, and again, the harmonies make this song rise. Want to hear this one live again.

Let's step back into the Journey Wilderness Years after the jump....

What a difference a new pair of glasses makes!

I CAN SEE! I picked up my new glasses today. No big style change for me, as you see. These glasses are plain, black geek frames, a little larger than my last pair, to give my eyes a bit more coverage for sun protection with Transitions lenses. My current insurance allows me one new pair a year, I think.

My horrid nearsightedness improved, as did my reading script. But it's still bad; I needed hi-index 1.67. This is the script for the progressives:

OD Sph: -7.75 Cyl:-0.50 Axis: 180
OS Sph: -7.50 Cyl: -.75 Axis: 165
OD ADD 2.25
OS ADD 2.25

I used to be > -8.00 in both eyes prior to requiring bifocals when I turned 42 (I'm 50 now). I also need a separate single-vision lens for computer work (I just had them replace the lenses in my old glasses to save $). I'm still blind as a bat by most folks' standard:

OD Sph: -6.50 Cyl:-0.50 Axis: 180
OS Sph: -6.25 Cyl: -.75 Axis: 165

***

Blind as a bat without them.

Q: Has anyone ever ordered a pair of prescription glasses online? I didn't know how satisfied people were, particularly if they have a difficult script. I was thinking of getting a pair that is tinted for indoor use, since I have light sensitivity from developing cataracts.

***

On a related front, I can report that my prescription insurance, ExpressScripts, actually covered Restasis (drops for extreme eye dryness caused by RA/Sjogrens and other similar conditions). It's insane how much these meds cost. I paid $100 for 3 months' supply, the insurance covered > $700! Why does this med cost so much? Never mind. I'm sure it's cheaper across either border.

Managing a RA flare sick day

Sick day today; my first full-blown RA flare up in months since I switched to Orencia as my biologic vs. Enbrel. I haven't taken an actual sick day like this from work in months, as in: no work email, texts, calls, IMs. I was only online in the AM to "call in" via email and to rearrange all the meetings I had to miss. And even that was a horrible effort since light is really hurting my eyes this time. Flat out on my azz sick. Not working through it to prove that I'm impervious to chronic, life-altering pain. No way to fake it through a flare.

I then slept almost all day. It's annoying to be so wiped and in pain that you have to sit there in a stupor thinking about a plan to get up to make it across the room, but that's the reality of a big time RA flare. It just has to pass.

It was about 80F today, but I was cold when I briefly stepped outside, so my body therm is screwy. Doc gave me a script for prednisone a while back, but I won't take it unless this goes on for days since steroids F up my BGs.

The light sensitivity has abated somewhat this evening (why I can type this), but my muscles and joints are so tight that I'm already showered and coated in my rotating cast of liniments (tonight starring Biofreeze + Sombra + Capsaicin!).

Getting under the fleece and going to fall asleep to mothership L&O (1992 season is on We).

Life changes -- RA drives me onto the professional off-ramp

Last week I officially acknowledged what I can no longer do -- my current job. It was announced in my org that I was stepping down from my position as an IT manager. I'll vacate as soon as they hire a successor.

I did this job for ~15 years. But I am no longer the person I once was because of pretty aggressive rheumatoid arthritis (RA), and I've been telling my boss for a couple of years now that a person is needed in this position that can handle the long hours that come with the job. So the succession plan is being rolled out ASAP.

Actually, my rheumatologist and endocrinologist have said for the last 4 years to "get out of that job," because the stress that comes with the ever-demanding and changing world of IT is wholly incompatible with an autoimmune condition that is profoundly affected by stress, the weather, and random foolishness I never can quite figure out. I'm deteriorating faster than I could have imagined. I guess the docs were right. I was in denial.

But those who know me know that I thrived for a long time on stress and long hours (or so I thought I did).

It's part of my own acceptance process to admit that I am not the person that I once was, chugging away on ungodly over-work up to about 3 years ago (doing this job plus running a full-time, nationally recognized blog, traveling during my vacation time to go to press conferences, the White House, covering all sorts of things as a citizen journalist in digital media). It was tiring, wonderful fun.

Fast forward to now -- rheumatoid arthritis has so destroyed me from the inside out that I:

1) can no longer down a 40 hour job;
2) had to shut down my blog;
3) can no longer travel alone because I can't lift my bags and I suffer from extreme fatigue and threats of flare ups from the barometric pressure changes because of flying;
4) live by the clock for meds, sleep breaks and the like; and
5) give up my weekends, taking my RA biologic med, and methotrexate that make me sick as a dog, and doles out unreal fatigue, all sacrificed so I can work the next week.

My spine is also now affected and one of my disks not only re-herniated (L5-S1), but it is collapsing on the other side, affecting feeling in my left leg and foot.

All in just three years. 

My life now revolves around preserving myself for work -- and nothing else of me is left for life. I am one of only a couple of patients of my rheumatologist that is still able to work. It's estimated that as many as one-third of people with RA are forced to stop working within 10 years of being diagnosed. You can read about others' experiences with RA and the workplace here.

Unlike some RA patients on the professional off-ramp, the organization is crafting an accommodation that may allow me to slide over to a different, hopefully more manageable 30 hr/week job. What's definite is that I will no longer be a senior manager. Does this bother me? Actually, I'm in such a constant state of pain and exhaustion that losing that status isn't something I'm mourning. It remains to seen how much of a demotion this new position represents.

In terms of reactions to the change, it's pretty clear that thinking about disability and my need to step down scares many people into silence (after all, it's natural to think "glad it's not me/that could be me" -- it's a very human reaction). Are you supposed to congratulate the person, have a sense of sorrow that they are stepping down for obvious health reasons? There is no good way to react. It was kind of like the interesting reactions I encountered during the couple of days I lost my voice due to a med change ("People -- I can't speak, but that doesn't mean I can't hear or think..."):

"[T]his temporary situation shows just how ill-prepared the average person is to deal with a disability of this nature. Our ability to speak allows us to convey a lot of information in very few words. Body language (thumbs up, down, OK gesture), is pretty limited when you need to communicate detailed thoughts or nuances.

Those who can communicate vocally assert their privilege/ability to try to force the mute to communicate on their level even when logically they know the other person cannot speak. You can see the frustration on their faces; they'd rather avoid me rather than try to compensate for the communication delay. Well, of course -- a pad and pen is a poor substitute.  I've also had to whisper from time to time because of my frustration in moving conversations along so I can get back to work. They don't want me to break my vocal rest, mind you, they just don't know what to do, so they avoid."

What I cannot avoid

Emotionally, I'm not really able to celebrate anything, since some things are still up in the air. But honestly, I'm still having those feelings of "Dead woman walking" or that I represent "the old dog taken out back and shot in the head." Pick your poison of negativity. It's all normal feelings I've had over the last week, and I just have to work through it. I do take solace in that I know that I'm not alone; this is a story that has played out (with even worse circumstances and resolutions) for most patients with severe RA. It's the netherworld prior to full disability -- too sick to work full time, not sick enough to qualify for disability. It's a high bar to clear. Besides, in my case I, want to work. And just be able to exit with dignity when the time comes. That option usually doesn't happen for most. Many simply have to resign.

It's horrible to know that I have a professional expiration date that isn't long in the future. Even something as simple as writing longhand is excruciating. I have to wrap my hands (and now my thumbs too) each AM, to tolerate typing all day. If I lose that ability, I don't know how I'll adjust. I detested using Dragon Naturally Speaking when I tested it. I think so much faster through my hands; when the day comes and I cannot type, it will be a real crossroads.

Part of me wants to flee and leave it all for someone else to deal with rather than exist being less than whole and involuntarily on a professional off-ramp at 50.

But I live in the real world. I just have to stay healthy enough to make it through the fire of a long list of to-dos to pass the torch to the next IT manager.

And figure out how I'll be able to make it to the next Journey concert when they hit Raleigh (on a weeknight, no less. I'm usually in bed by 7PM these days). I'll really pay dearly in terms of fatigue, but I need something to feel positive about right about now. I'm still holding out on buying tix because of the health circumstances, so I guess I won't get good-for-photos seats now. Sigh. Ah, just think Anything is Possible.