Health journey: when the mirror still doesn't match reality

I still don't see myself in the mirror as Panda down 63 lbs. 🐼 It's only when I come across pics like the one on the left that I see the huge difference (someone had this screencap from a CNN appearance from my blogging days during the 2008 presidential cycle on their blog).

I was on 3 types of insulin/injectibles for diabetes 3x/day (now I'm off all of them)! Ironically, it was also before rheumatoid arthritis struck (2012) and my L5-S1 herniation, surgery, re-herniation, and last year the disabling disc collapse. I'm thankful that I was not carrying the extra weight during this last physical/health disability that led to my termination from a 22 - year career at Duke University Press after my FMLA ran out.

But I didn't give up. I am very slowly and carefully working on supporting my back after 3 months of inactivity, first using a walker and then a cane. On the bad days when that nerve gets pressed, it's like an electrical shock and acute pain beyond belief leaving me practically bedridden; other days I can walk unassisted. I can't sit or stand for hours at a time as I did when running/writing the Blend, but I'm doing my best to reboot my life, remake and better myself.

My dilemma is I really can't consider fusion surgery for a variety of reasons, but the real kicker is the discs above and below the collapsed one are also degenerating, so fusion to them for L5-S1 will hasten their collapse, leading to additional fusion surgery. So my spine is a time bomb, but I can't give up, just forge ahead to make the most of what lies ahead.

What I am grateful for is your amazing kindness and support of my GoFundMe campaign (http://gofundme.com/pamscomeback) to get through this tough limbo period as bureaucracy leaves me twisting in the wind awaiting decisions from Duke and its disability carrier. The latest update is I should know by the first week in May what my options are to move on.

Chronic, disabling pain is an invisible disability that is life-altering, as many of you have shared in messages and emails to me. It can make life seem hopeless one day, and possible to rise above the next. Dealing with medical professionals to address pain management in a healthy way is its own challenge as well. But I'm here to say not to give up.

Love,
Panda 🐼 (Pam Spaulding)

Health progress update - when the image in the mirror still doesn't match reality

Panda health progress update! Still losing...and trying to find a few new pieces of clothing that will 1. Stay up. 2. Fit some kind of way as I drop the last 25 lbs.

So Saturday I went into Kohls, and needed a light sweater because I have been so cold intolerant, and saw a nice one in the Juniors section.

Shock #1: I picked up an XL (I have no clue what Juniors size that is, maybe a 13?) and said "this will never fit." I pull it over my dang rack and IT FIT. It was $17, so I got it.
Shock #2: Just for giggles I go over to the Juicy jeans section. Let's try on some pants. I eyeball a pair that roughly looks like it MIGHT fit, might be too small, not looking at the size. Get in the fitting room and THEY FIT. Not quite right though, wrong cut for me. Too loose in the legs, and too snug in the waist so they went back on the rack. BUT THEY WERE A SIZE 10! Unreal. I started out on this journey a 22.

Seriously, I still look in the mirror and don't see someone that small. But this week a photo turned up in my feed (Autumn and Laurel, sorry I cropped you on this one!), and it reminded me very starkly what I looked like five years ago. Big change from that time (61 lbs heavier then), but I will never be petite, mind you. And that's ok.