An informal history and photo tour of "my Durham"

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Ah, the weekend...time to slow down (particularly if you're snowed in, thankfully I'm not) to post about topics that aren't part of a news cycle.

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While many people now know I'm not one of those "big city gays," I still find myself in conversations with blogtopia peers where they make an assumption that I must be writing out of DC or New York City since I'm a political blogger.

When I say I live in Durham, NC, a number of people have a vague notion that it's located in a relatively progressive area of the state, others don't know where it is or what it's like politically. Many assume I'm not a native of the South since I don't have a very noticeable accent (neither does my brother, we're not sure why).

Anyway, here are the thumbnail facts: I was born in the Bull City back in the stone age of 1963, and moved to New York, specifically first to Hollis, Queens (Run-DMC!) and later Bedford-Stuyvesant, Brooklyn. That was from 1976-1989. I returned to Durham in 1989 for the pace and quality of life -- all I need now is my civil equality (no small matter).

Sure, we could pack up and move to a Blue state where our Canadian marriage was recognized, but Kate (who hails from Birmingham, AL) and I love Durham, the people here, the interesting political environment, and the fact that we can live a pleasant existence in our progressive bubble as we work to make more of our state Blue and LGBT-friendly. Someone has to do it, we can't all leave the places that need more, even difficult work to move closer to equality.

LGBTs here have to move our lawmakers in the right direction by city and by county, letting people see we are neighbors, co-workers and members of the community. That's still a powerful cultural step of social change, particularly since decisions at the federal level will likely occur on issues like marriage before our legislature ever spines up.

Anyway, enough soapboxing...get on with the photos. I actually took these almost two years ago, as Kate and I decided to do a little Aunt Pam video tour of Durham for my nephew Mr. E., who doesn't know anything about the town his dad Tim grew up in.

More below the fold, including a little family history and photos around town.

 

Most of you probably don't know that the Spauldings have a rich political history in the life of the Bull City and NC, in electoral politics, education, business, and had an impact on the civil rights movement. See C.C. Spaulding here and here, Asa Spaulding, Sr., and Elna Spaulding). The latter are my late paternal grandparents; their papers are stored in the Duke special collections library.

Asa And Elna Spaulding Papers, 1930-1983. ca. 36,500 items
Nationally acclaimed and internationally recognized businessman, Asa T. Spaulding Sr. (1902-1990), was president of North Carolina Mutual Life Insurance Company--one of the premier black-owned financial concerns in the United States and a keystone among the institutions that established Durham as the "Black Wall Street" during the early decades of the twentieth century. Spaulding was a leader in the insurance industry and was the first black actuary in the United States. He was an advocate for African American economic development and served as an officer in various business and insurance associations. In national politics, he was an advisor to Presidents Truman, Eisenhower, Johnson and Carter--advocating for civil rights and economic development for black Americans. He participated in several White House conferences and was appointed to a number of presidential committees. Notably, he was a member of U. S. delegations to the UNESCO conference in New Delhi, India in 1956, and to the inauguration of Liberian President William V. S. Tubman in 1957. On the local level Spaulding was a civic leader and devoted member of the White Rock Baptist Church.

The Spaulding papers are comprised of personal and professional correspondence, speeches, photographs, clippings, awards, printed material, and business and legal papers relating to Asa Spaulding's numerous business, religious, civic, educational and political interests. The collection is particularly rich in documentation about political and community development in Durham, North Carolina.

Complementing the materials on Asa Spaulding is material concerning his wife, Elna Bridgeforth Spaulding. A civic leader in her own right, Elna Spaulding founded and served as president of Women-In-Action for the Prevention of Violence and Its Causes, a community development and charitable organization in Durham. She was elected to two terms on the Durham County Board of Commissioners, served on numerous boards, and was active in such organizations as the Durham Day Care Council, Lincoln Community Health Center, Duke Medical Center, North Carolina Central Museum of Art, and local chapters of The Links, Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority, and the National Council of Negro Women. The Spaulding papers also contain genealogical materials about the Bridgeforth and Spaulding families, and include information about the Spauldings' family life with their five children.

I guess some things are in the genes; over the summer I participated in a video, "The Spaulding Legacy and Oral History Project" on the history of the family, including the extended branches (see screen caps). Many family members are involved in some kind of community service, serve in public office, are in education, etc., so they wanted to capture the oral history of elders, in particular. Fun fact: I am somehow related to author and entrepreneur Stedman Graham, (better-known as Oprah's current/former?! BF). I've not met him.

Oh, you may be wondering...with the whole insurance company family business stuff, whether I'm the recipient of any largesse. The answer would be no -- and there's no giant inheritance awaiting me either, lol. I've never been particularly close to this side of the family (unpleasant,complicated divorces can do that), but I owe it to Mr. E to let him know what his legacy is on this side of the fence, since I won't be around forever, and my brother Tim, who is 5 years my junior, doesn't know much about Durham and family history.

OK, enough gabbing; here's the quick tour of some of the landmarks in Durham that were part of my childhood, certainly not comprehensive at all, but I mean come on, you'll fall asleep if it's too long...

Left: the home I grew up in until about 5, in East Durham, south of the Durham Freeway (the construction of which destroyed much of the black business district and residences). The house on the right was the last home we lived in prior to the abrupt move to NYC. Long story. Have to explain that one to E. someday.

In Central Durham, the black historic Hayti district, a street bears my family's name; only a few blocks away is the home of my grandparents (right). I remember spending many a Sunday visiting and watching, of all things, Face the Nation. No Barney, Smurfs, the Wiggles or Disney Channel back then for little Pam. Politics from day 1.

Left: Where I spent K-6 - Immaculata Catholic School in downtown. I later went to public school -- Pearsontown Junior High in southern Durham (it's now an elementary school), and then we moved to NY. Right: One of the many Liggett & Myers tobacco buildings in downtown, all eventually abandoned in the 90s, and later renovated (some still undergoing change) into business and residential use. I work in one of the first warehouses that was renovated, Brightleaf Square.

NC Mutual building, just up the hill from Brightleaf Square on Chapel Hill St. I was a baby when it opened. There's a photo out there somewhere of me at the building's dedication in the 60s, held aloft by then-VPOTUS Hubert Humphrey.

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My Durham News column: Our Disability Challenge

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

A snippet from this month's column on how disabilities are viewed by the public, and how the City is handling compliance with the Americans With Disabilities Act.

How are we doing in the Bull City in terms of the ADA? The City of Durham Web site says it will "make all reasonable modifications to city facilities to ensure that people with disabilities have an equal opportunity to enjoy all City programs, services, and activities." In terms of physical disabilities, that includes what most of us notice around us each day – carving curb cuts into sidewalks at intersections, providing buses that "kneel" to accommodate wheelchair access, and providing access to information and services for residents with speech, hearing and/or vision impairments.

In 2005, as a result of a complaint that several city-owned facilities constructed after 1992 did not met ADA Standards, including the Durham Bulls Athletic Park and Stadium, City Hall, the Carolina Theatre/Cinema, and several city parking facilities, an agreement was reached with the federal government to remedy the situation. The city requested and received an extension and projects full compliance by December 2010.

For people with "invisible," not-always-readily apparent disabilities (diabetes, hearing impairment, mental illness, etc.), the issue of what the public perceives as a disability versus the reality of what constitutes disability still represents a wide cultural gap, despite the ADA being in place for almost 20 years.

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Bloggers honored at 2009 Courage Awards - The NYC Anti-Violence Project

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

The 2009 Courage Awards were an inspiring event, and it was humbling to be honored as one of the citizen journalists (the glamour word for bloggers, don'tcha know, since we didn't have PJs on). For an organization that handles calls 24/7 in support of those who need some place to turn to when they are the victim of bias crimes, the NYC Anti-Violence Project should be hailed for its essential work for the community.

NYC AVP Courage Awards Blogger Acceptance Speech

Bil Browning (The Bilerico Project), Joe Jervis (Joe.My.God.), Andy Towle (Towleroad), and Pam Spaulding (Pam's House Blend). Award presented by Michelangelo Signorile.

As prepared, November 9, 2009 (Andy Towle); delivered by Pam Spaulding.

Because crimes against LGBT people are seldom reported on a national basis, and covered mostly in local papers, if at all, we have a valuable opportunity to raise awareness about how severe and widespread these crimes are, and the frequency at which they occur. As one of the few forums, and perhaps the most effective, that exist right now to communicate these crimes to other gay people and our heterosexual allies, we can inspire them to take action.

We will never stop standing up for my fellow LGBT citizens when they are struck down by hate, and never ease the pressure on those who would choose to strike us down, whether by words or by fists. Whether it be a young trans woman in Colorado referred to as "it" by a lover she thought she trusted and struck down in a rage, or a bar goer who beats a gay man with his fist to the surface of a parking lot late at night after a night of drinking in South Carolina, or a man who decides he doesn't like the look of a lesbian couple in Provincetown so he decides to push them through a plate glass window, or two deadbeats in Laramie, Wyoming who decide to mete justice on a young gay man by beating him and leaving him to die on a frigid fence, we will continue to report each and every story.

We are humbled and challenged by the ability to communicate the amount of information we have regarding hate crimes to such a wide audience, and we will continue to be vigilant in my continuing coverage of violence against the LGBT community. It's a vigilance that would not be possible without my fellow bloggers Andy, Joe, and Bil. We cast a wide net and I am proud to be honored alongside them.

Also honored this evening was Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright Tony Kushner, who delivered a humorous, engaging speech (I'll have the transcript soon).

 

BTW, Tony Kushner also delivers wonderful spontaneous bear hugs, since I was almost tackled by him while I was videotaping actor B.D. Wong as he was finishing up his intro just before presenting the award to Kushner. (reason: he was enthusiastic after the acceptance speech (mostly written by Andy Towle, btw) I delivered. You can catch the amusing POV bowl-over on the right as my camera tilts wildly; on the left is B.D. Wong's introduction.

 

One of the highlights of the evening for me was to have my pic taken with B.D. Wong since Kate and I are addicts of L&O: SVU. I managed to get two shots with him, one before and one after I delivered the acceptance speech for the group. Those shots are below the fold. 

But of course I wasn't the only fan...(Joe and Bil joined in the fun as well):

 

The full image and video gallery is here. A slideshow:

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The NYC Anti-Violence Project's Courage Awards is just around the corner...

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

It's coming up soon! Tickets are available. Hopefully, given my health issues, I will survive the airplane trip in one piece in order to receive this distinguished award.

The New York City Anti-Violence Project (AVP) will hold its 13th Annual Courage Awards on Monday, November 9, 2009 at the W New York Ballroom at 541 Lexington Avenue, New York. The evening includes cocktails and a chefs' tasting and a program featuring the award presentation.

At this year’s event, AVP has the privilege of honoring Pulitzer Prize winning playwright Tony Kushner, author of Angels in America: A Gay Fantasia on National Themes and The Intelligent Homosexual's Guide to Capitalism and Socialism With a Key to the Scriptures, for his truthful and cutting edge political writing and analysis; Weblog creators Bil Browning (The Bilerico Project), Joe Jervis (Joe.My.God.), Pam Spaulding (Pam's House Blend) and Andy Towle (Towleroad), in recognition of the impact of LGBTQH weblogs have made in the fight for civil rights and against violence in our communities; and Clifford Chance US LLP, for their commitment to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer and HIV-affected (LGBTQH) rights and extensive work on behalf of the communities AVP serves.

Date: Monday, November 9, 2009

Location: W New York Ballroom at 541 Lexington Avenue, New York

Time: 7pm-9pm (VIP reception starting at 6pm)

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Crossing the not-so-good, not unexpected health threshold...

I posted this entry on the Blend, but it's probably more suitable to discuss my medical woes here, since PHB has become more of a political coffeehouse discussion space than a personal blog. It's about a forced transition as a result of my recent trip to the endo.

It has been surprising how much mail I've received here and on Facebook from readers regarding my open discussion about living with fibromyalgia, from diagnosis to living with it while doing this full-time blog and holding down a full-time job since 2004. I'm glad that others dealing with this found the research and descriptions of the condition to demystify it ("Fibromyalgia: when your brain is not your friend") useful.

Anyway, it's been a difficult couple of weeks, the "miracle" of Cymbalta hasn't exactly worked out. It was doing the trick to reduce the fibromyalgia pain, but a different problem emerged that has been under pretty good control until the flares started coming back with a vengeance after being put almost 100% at bay by the drug. I was told to up the dose from 60 to 90mg. That gave some relief, but not much.

Some of my other "friends" (nearly life-long chronic illnesses) were getting into the mix, and they are clashing and interdependent in causing the misery on the playing field. First up to bat is my PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome), something I've had since about 13. What is it?

Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is the most common hormonal disorder among women of reproductive age. The name of the condition comes from the appearance of the ovaries in most, but not all, women with the disorder — enlarged and containing numerous small cysts located along the outer edge of each ovary (polycystic appearance).

Infrequent or prolonged menstrual periods, excess hair growth, acne and obesity can all occur in women with polycystic ovary syndrome. Menstrual abnormality may signal the condition in adolescence, or PCOS may become apparent later following weight gain or difficulty becoming pregnant. The exact cause of polycystic ovary syndrome is unknown. Women with polycystic ovary syndrome may have trouble becoming pregnant due to infrequent or lack of ovulation. Early diagnosis and treatment of polycystic ovary syndrome can help reduce the risk of long-term complications, such as type 2 diabetes, heart disease and stroke.

Well, the condition wasn't exactly a surprise, as my mother had it, but it "corrected" itself when she had me and my brother. Mine was accompanied by severe insulin resistance, also common with PCOS, making it extremely difficult to lose weight for many, I fall into that category. Or, rather, another "friend" was diagnosed officially a few years later -- insulin-dependent diabetes. I was the first in my family diagnosed. Once I was tagged, then the dominoes fell, my mom and dad had it (neither obese), my maternal grandmother, a maternal aunt, and probably more undiagnosed. I got all the crappy endocrinological genes, my brother, thankfully is free of diabetes.

My problem is the PCOS was working in concert to make it necessary to take a lot of insulin for it to work in my body. The flip side of the miracle of life-saving insulin is it often comes with weight gain as well. Yes, can't win. Both maladies made it very easy to eat very little and still gain weight (or rather, not lose it after I reached a setpoint). Only recently have I been dropping pounds, mostly after my gall bladder was removed, and before the fibromylagia kicked in. Lately I've been losing because my blood glucose levels were out of control.

Why? Not because I was shoving Snickers in my pie hole (I was reduced to eating a bowl of cereal for breakfast and an apple for lunch and salad and some protein for dinner) the numbers were topping 300 when they should have been 80-100), but because the excruciating pain of fibro (or any chronic pain) shoots your blood glucose numbers into the sky, you dump the sugar from the body that cannot be processed; in essence your body is feeding on itself. In my case this was confirmed when I began the Cymbalta; the pain ebbed, my sugar levels dropped dramatically and I felt like a new person.

Which brings us back to today. The long run of high blood sugars, plus the fact that I have had very insulin-resistant diabetes now for about 25 years, almost ensures some complications would come into play, even with decent control up to now Thankfully, my eyes are fine (no blindness risk), my kidneys are fine (those often fail for some with diabetes). My dance with doom is diabetic neuropathy.

Diabetic neuropathies are a family of nerve disorders caused by diabetes. People with diabetes can, over time, develop nerve damage throughout the body. Some people with nerve damage have no symptoms. Others may have symptoms such as pain, tingling, or numbness—loss of feeling—in the hands, arms, feet, and legs. Nerve problems can occur in every organ system, including the digestive tract, heart, and sex organs.

About 60 to 70 percent of people with diabetes have some form of neuropathy. People with diabetes can develop nerve problems at any time, but risk rises with age and longer duration of diabetes. The highest rates of neuropathy are among people who have had diabetes for at least 25 years. Diabetic neuropathies also appear to be more common in people who have problems controlling their blood glucose, also called blood sugar, as well as those with high levels of blood fat and blood pressure and those who are overweight.

In July I got an inadvertently inkling of how bad the nerve damage was when I visted the neurologist to exclude some other issues and he performed some tests on my feet.

• Sensation/pain test: Using a sharp, pointed device he tried it on my foot and I could feel the pressure of the device poking me, but no pain or reflex to make me move my foot away. When he applied the same pressure up near my knee, it felt like a sharp needle. Way sharp as in it hurt and I jerked my leg away.
• Cold sensitivity: He took a metal instrument and said to let him know what it felt like. He put it on the sole of my feet, asked if it was cold. It felt mildly cool, not uncomfortable. He did it on the top of my feet, felt a little cooler, still not remarkable. He put it up on my thigh and it felt like he had just taken it out of the freezer!
  

So today I went to see my FNP who is terrific, she and my endo have been working my case as long as I've been back here in Durham, so they've seen all the highs and lows as I've gone to neurologists, rheumatologists, primary care doctor changes, etc. over the years. The last 6 months have been the toughest slog by far. During this last bout with the insulin resistance/pain/high BG, the neuropathy in my feet made itself all too present on a daily basis.
- almost all shoes hurt;
- feet are burning at times every day;
- sock seams hurt now;
- numbness, can still sense, but hot/cold perception is almost non-existent;
- feet unnaturally cold all the time (have to wear socks to bed, and thick socks during day).

All this is going on in addition to the fibromyalgia's disabling pain and almost-out-of-nowhere unnatural fatigue, like hitting a wall. We discussed various options to try to get my BGs down and address the pain; it's such a crap shoot, since there's no one magic bullet with this constellation of syndromes and diseases. You'd think that someone who never smoked, did drugs or even drinks more than a couple of times a year could get a break, but alas, no. I guess the half glass full is that if I did, I might be sitting on the operating table waiting for something to be amputated. But I digress...

So the threshold I crossed today with my FNP -- and she brought it up before I did -- was that it was time to apply for a permanent handicapped placard for my car. I didn't want to hear this. It's too soon to let these "friends" drag me to this place; however, she was frank with me about how I can only slow this by taking care of myself. It's just denial. I know I will adapt. I always have when several life curve balls have been tossed my way. I just have to be realistic, there is not an endless energy supply to run my feeble body and do what I have done each day since July 2004.

But as I sit here weary and wondering why I continue to burn the candles at both ends as my doctor tells me today that this pace is also directly contributing to my declining health, I find it amusing that there's a lot of criticism out there (and I do know who you are) that indy bloggers aren't "doing anything" for the movement (i.e. just spouting criticism from the keyboard). There is a blanket assumption out there that we're only bellyaching and not doing anything offline. I can only speak for myself, but what limited free time I do have I've managed to also:

• speak to young people at gay-straight HS alliances to discuss what it is like to come out and to go out in the professional world;
• give time, money, and energy to state organizations for their programs;
• give and help raise funds to defeat anti-gay ballot initiatives;
• use personal funds, vacation and sick time to travel to places to advocate for rights in Red states and to speak on panels about new media, the political landscape to enhance the fight for equality;
• make the decision to take on even more work - to be the first out lesbian columnist for a major newspaper in NC in order to share with my neighbors that gay is OK.

That's all while still blogging and working, mind you.

These days I've had such difficulty getting out of bed -- literally -- that you've probably noticed less-frequent postings. The thought of the pain caused by traveling, lugging bags and the whole airline shuffle makes me loathe it now.

And, btw, I'm not special in any way; many other citizen journalists/activists do more than speak their minds about the movement's flaws and strengths. I guess what I'm really serving up is a big STFU with a swirl on top to those intimidated by these "accidental activists." Your privilege and access are not at risk -- we have been told that we don't know how anything works in the halls of power. So stop fretting and soiling your diapers. Life is too short, equality will come with or without you. Peace out.

On the bright side, I have to give an "I'm not worthy" to my fellow baristas who have been churning out great content while I've been down for the count way too much (and many of the Blender diaries have been stellar)! They are just as valuable as activists, as well as the loyal readers who create, shape and participate in online and offline actions to create change and hold bigots and politicians accountable. You're all worthy. We'll all keep fighting on.

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Durham News column drops today: 'Taking the stage at Pride'

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

'Taking the stage at Pride' is a short write up on what happened at NC Pride when I keynoted before a festive crowd, despite the rain. A snippet:

More than 4,500 people showed up to take in the speakers, entertainment and all the vendors. The crowd spanned all ages, races and religions. The many open and affirming local houses of worship far outnumbered the few tired protesters who showed up with their "turn or burn" signs.

In fact, one of the men who showed up with a giant sign saying "3 gay rights: AIDS, HELL, SALVATION" was an import from Primrose, Ga. -- Pastor Billy Ball, who has sent me repeated barely-tethered-to-reality hilarious e-mails over the years because of my blog, so his presence was for my benefit, I suppose. He wasted who knows how much gas driving up here for an hour-long parade.

...I talked about the LGBT community's inability to handle its own discomfort in dealing with race and religion, and the self-segregation that goes on that prevents mutual understanding. One good sign I saw was the many people of color who were present at Pride, particularly black and Latino members of the community.

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My keynote address at NC Pride 2009 - with video and photos

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Photos are now up on Picasa.

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Pam Spaulding

NC Pride Keynote Address (as prepared for delivery)

Durham, NC (Duke East Campus)

September 26, 2009

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Hi everyone -- it's a great gay day in the Bull City! Just a little too gray…

It's so strange to be standing up here rather than down there. I honestly wonder why I have been asked to address you today at NC Pride.

After all, I'm just a blogger, scratch that, citizen journalist. Back in July 2004 when I started Pam's House Blend, it was just a way for me to let off steam about the sad state of political affairs for the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community under our last president.

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You'll recall that the 2004 election year was an unending assault on our lives with professional anti-gay organizations working hard to ensure amendments passed in states to bar gay and lesbian couples from marrying. And passed they did at the ballot box, in Missouri, Montana, Mississippi, Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Louisiana, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Michigan and Utah. A clean, depressing sweep.

What a difference five years makes, huh?! While Massachusetts has had marriage equality since May 2004, we have seen it blossom in CT, IA, MA, VT; NH (in 2010) and ME. We saw it flourish for a brief time in CA before it was voted away by mob rule with Proposition 8.

In fact, as we stand here today, we are trying to stop a massively bankrolled effort to repeal marriage equality in the state of Maine. Civil rights should never be determined at the ballot box, yet time and again, homophobia has driven people to believe that might makes right.

While marriage equality is important to me, and many of you out there, for those of us who live in NC and other states where there are few or no protections at the state level, the gains we seek are so modest, so essential, and happen all too slowly down here in the South. And that leads me to great news to report about our state. . . the gains in 2009:

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Gains in 2009

* For the sixth year in a row, a proposed state constitutional marriage amendment was killed in committee. North Carolina is the last state standing in the South without an amendment. Give a cheer for that! We have to keep it at bay because the language in this discrimination amendment would not only deny same-sex couples marriage, but it would ban civil unions or any other kind of relationship recognition.

* The School Violence Prevention Actto address bullying and harassment in schools, including acts targeting LGBT students. It's sad that there was even opposition to this bill, which creates safe space for learning for all children. It marks the first time sexual orientation and gender identity are included in North Carolina law. I have to give a shout out to Equality NC; the organization received the "Most Amazing Achievement" award from the national Equality Federation because this is the first gender identity-inclusive law in the South!

* Another step forward is the passing of the Healthy Youth Act, that enables comprehensive sex education program in grades 7-9. Before this bill, abstinence-only education was the only option.

* The state held the line on funding for HIV prevention programs and the AIDS Drug Assistance Program will continue to provide low-income patients with the medicine they need.

* Second parent adoption and the welfare of children received a boost in a ruling this year by the North Carolina Court of Appeals.

* And last, but certainly not least, on August 17, the Durham City Council unanimously passed a Resolution in Support of Civil Marriage for Same Sex Couples. It was a measure submitted by resident Joshua Lee Weaver. Durham now joins Chapel Hill and Carrboroas the only cities in North Carolina that have passed such a resolution. Of course it carries no weight in terms of legal recognition, but it speaks volumes about how our city values our relationships and supports diversity. Thank you, Mayor Bell and members of the Council.

Hey Raleigh -- get on the stick - we need the other point in the Triangle covered! What's the hold up?

An aside -- that positive news is tempered by the fact that County Commissioners in at least 15 counties and one town have passed resolutions supporting a state Marriage Amendment.

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While we're on the topic of that resolution, I want to talk about what I saw at the City Council meeting when it passed it. What I saw disturbed, but didn't surprise me.

This meeting drew a standing-room-only crowd to the council chambers. Many of my blog's national readers were looking for a first-hand account, so I was there to tape and Tweet it. I panned my camera to get a view of the crowd and suddenly noticed the racial divide in the room -- those who were standing and who remained seated. I didn't see any people of color standing or clapping in approval.

In fact most of them were seasoned citizens -- mostly black women who were stone-faced in disapproval. The reaction I saw made it clear that there is work to be done to build bridges in the community regarding LGBT equality, race, and religion. I wrote about this incident in The Durham News, fully expecting vigorous feedback on both sides; however it was met mostly by silence.

In hindsight, it shouldn't have surprised me. To discuss it would be like stepping on a landmine for many people.

It was equally eye-opening when longtime social justice activist Mandy Carter and I, along with several black gay and lesbian attendees, visited two members of the NC legislative black caucus during Equality NC's Day of action earlier this year. I will preface this by saying that these membersare strongly there for us on other pro-LGBT issues, but the matter of the state marriage amendment bill by some members of the black caucus is clearly a land mine. To our faces we were told by respected chair Rep. Alma Adams that LGBT issues are not "the caucus's issues" -- as in social justice issues -- and another Rep. Earline Parmon, who supports the marriage amendment bill, justified it by saying she is a minister.

That last statement sucked the air out of the room. To have an elected official answer a constituent's question by indicating she doesn't understand the separation of church and state; well, that's tragic. When I blogged about this, many asked how did we maintain our composure in the face of answers like this.

Honestly, when we left and sat down to talk about what we experienced, the shared feeling was how hurtful it was to be rendered "less-than" to our faces. I think the day taught us all a valuable lesson that spending "face time" with lawmakers to share our stories is essential, and for black LGBTs it's critical -- it's not an option to be rendered silent and invisible.

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Affirming religion

Religion itself is not to blame for this; I want to note that it is wonderful to see so many houses of worship represented here today at the booths and in the parade -- give them a hand -- it's a beautiful sight to see so many affirming allies of faith here to counter the image of religious "bigotry by bullhorn" and "turn or burn" crowds who believe that hell and damnation await us.

The presence of these open and affirming houses of worship is proof that our side will win this fight for equality. The problem these anti-gay churches have is their myopic worldview -- they believe that there is only one Christian POV that should govern how all of us should live (never mind any other faiths, they don't think that far).

In the end, that limited thinking is going to sink the bible-based movement to deny us civil rights. Activists outside of the South often want to ignore or write off working for change in the region because it is steeped in religion; I think it's short-sighted. Many members of the LGBT community have indeed been so rejected and hurt by the hateful messages blasted from the pulpit that they reject faith. That's entirely understandable. But for many, they want to reconcile the faith and traditions they cherish in an environment that affirms they are human, that they are loved for who they are. And that's OK too.

When you encounter someone who cites their religious beliefs to justify opposing the civil right of gay and lesbian couples to marry, ask them a couple of questions. 1) Do you realize that unless the couple has obtained a marriage license issued by the state, a religious marriage means nothing in the eyes of the law? 2) Do they truly believe that there isn't separation of church and state in this matter? If so, they are effectively asking the state not just to prevent us from marrying on that basis,they are also affirming state discrimination against the churches and denominations that DO want to marry those same couples. That's discrimination based on religion and I hate to break it to them -- that isunconstitutional.

Those opposing equality haven't any other card to play except to say it will "change" the definition of marriage, as if it hasn't changed over time. Years ago, marriage meant women were the property of men. And then the definition of marriage changed.

Several generations ago, blacks couldn't marry a person of the same race (because we were property), let alone someone of another race -- and the bible was used to justify that. And then the definition of marriage changed.

It's painful to see people of faith cite passages in holy texts to justify oppression of LGBT people when the same public admonitions are rarely delivered to the adulterers, thieves, and fornicators sitting in the pews, or worse, the person standing in the pulpit.

I recently received an email from civil rights legend and head of the NAACP, Julian Bond. He said, quote:

I do not believe the battle for LGBT rights will ever be won until we can diminish the homophobia in black communities and until more in the black LGBT community join the battle openly.

I've often wondered what would be the result of black LGBT churchgoers standing up in the churches they attend and saying "I'm gay - you know me - I'm like you. I am what God made me. Why do you treat me so badly?"

I would like to see more black LGBTs in those churches muster the courage to do this. A culture has been affirmed in too many churches is that being gay or lesbian is so horrible that it's better to have a public heterosexual identity than deal with truth telling, even if the silence contributes to the skyrocketing HIV infections in the community. The silence is killing our people.

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All that said, part of the reason the closets are so tightly shut in the black community is due to the fact that LGBT people of color in large part feel there is as much racism and sexism in the larger out gay community as there is in the straight community.

I have said many times on my blog that discussing racism within the LGBT community is an incredibly difficult endeavor; I try very hard to create a safe space for this. Most white people fail to engage, remaining silent out of fear of offending someone, or worse, reveal their own biases and working through them in public, even with the anonymity of the Internet.

For blacks and other minorities, who have to learn how to integrate in the dominant culture out of necessity, they are often feel frustrated and defensive hearing the lack of knowledge exposed when whites make the tentative steps to engage. The honest truth is that, outside of working alongside people of color, there's a lot of social self-segregation going on (on both sides).

What this lack of cross-community dialogue means for out LGBTs of color is that one has to be willing to put yourself out there to be attacked, over and over for addressing homophobia in communities of color knowing that few, if any, white LGBTs are going to come forward to have your back.

I see it time and again, with the excuses ranging from "I'll be called a racist" or "it doesn't feel safe to do this" or "it isn't my place to do it. " Well if you're waiting for it to be safe, it isn't going to happen.

The fantasy of a post-racial society with the election of Barack Obama as the first black president is just that, a fantasy. Just flip on the TV.

So it is in this environment that black LGBTs have a difficult choice about whether to come out, though more and more are. Fearful of losing social connections, friendships and emotional shelter provided by their faith community if they come out, black gays and lesbians in the church are intimidated.

They fear the judgment of those in the pews and the pastors spewing anti-gay bile from the pulpit. Some of these minority LGBTs simply cannot envision stepping out of the closet because they don't see a welcoming largely white LGBT community on the other side of the door.

I'm glad to see the growth of Black Prides in the state; the first Triangle Black Pride to go live next year. Don't get me wrong, I think this is a welcome development as the LGBT community is diverse on so many levels. I am still concerned that the desire and need for cultural unity often leads to self-segregation for the sake of comfort and that results in less motivation for sorely-needed bridge building. It's clear that this issue of waiting for it to "feel safe" to communicate frankly about in race (or gender and class for that matter) is tough nut to crack.

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John Lewis

Thinking about what "safe" means in the context of discussing race, it reminds me of someone who didn't wait for it to be safe before he questioned discrimination.

Last Saturday I had the incredible opportunity to hear civil rights legend Congressman John Lewis speak. This man of deep faith and principle has shed blood, has been beaten unconscious and risked his life and limb repeatedly during the civil rights movement. He never hesitated, and the safety stakes were a helluva lot higher. John Lewis believes in full equality for the LGBT community and walks the walk. Congressman Lewis recalled standing at the Lincoln Memorial where he stood with Dr. Martin Luther King. When Lewis took his turn at the podium, he said:

"You tell us to wait, you tell us to be patient. We cannot wait; we cannot be patient. " You want your freedom and you want it now.

No government, be it federal or state, should tell a person who you can marry or who you cannot marry. You have a right to fall in love and get married.

So our struggle is all one struggle. It is not a struggle that lasts just for one day, one week, or one month or one year. It is a struggle of a lifetime, to build a beloved community. A community at peace with itself that recognizes dignity and the worth of every human being.

But perhaps the most powerful message was to those in the LGBT community who are waiting for equality to come to them -- Lewis charged us to seize the moment, to not accept being told to wait your turn, it's time to demand your rights through your representative, and most of all take personal responsibility -- the message we all heard was loud and clear.

Too many people in our community are in the closet waiting for someone else to do the heavy lifting and LEAD. Many of us work for private businesses or institutions that provide protection from being fired for being openly gay, yet so many are still in the closet. They are socially out on the weekends, but have no interest in being out during the week.

They don't want to get active in even the most politically benign way -- but are keen to show up at events like Pride or a club, but have no interest in lobbying their state legislator -- that's considered too "political" or becoming an "activist. " I'm sure we have thousands here today. At that Equality NC's Day of Action a record was broken this year because 200 people showed up. We can do better than this; I know we can.

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In closing I just want to say thank you. . .

There are many people who don't feel ready to come out of the closet. If you can do so without a threat to your job, education or a roof over your head, you need to wait until the time is right for you. I thank you in advance of kicking that door open for embarking on that personal journey of self-discovery.

* For some of you, this may be your first Pride, your first tentative step out of the closet. Thank you for being here.

* For some of you, this is one of the few public LGBT events you attend and feel free to be out. Thank you for being here.

* For some not here today, you are family and friends who support and love the LGBT people in your life, but can't quite get there to be a public ally. I thank you in advance for asking "What can I do to support you" to take that next step.

* For some of you, you are here for us as allies, publicly out and committed to openly working for equality. Thank you for being here.

* For a good number of you, you are out at work, out to your family and enjoy the freedom of being true to yourself. Thank you for being here. If you haven't already, head over to the Equality NC table and sign up so you can attend the next Day of Action. I'll see you there. Let's make a difference here in NC.

Thank you, and enjoy the rest of Pride weekend! See you on the Internet!

 

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